Chopper Dave We Have 'Uh-Oh'

I received this e-mail a few days ago:

Date: March 2, 2005
From: Licensing Dept. < >
Subject: Use Of Saturday Evening Post Covers

Dear Mr. Oblivian,

What the fuck do you think you’re doing?
Perhaps you’re new to this country. Or perhaps you’re retarded. In either case, apparently no one has informed that you can’t just take copyrighted material and use it for your own inane purposes. We own the rights to those covers that you so "cleverly" post on the entry page to your glorified blog. We’ve noticed that you refer to it as a "column". Well it’s not, you pathetic thief. Referring to your pointless whinings as a "column" doesn’t add any more legitimacy to what they are: a waste of fucking time.

We know you think you’re cool, but we also know that you’re really not. Nobody gives a shit about your opinions and we don’t appreciate you pulling us down with you. It would be one thing if you had an actual readership and thereby provided us with advertising.
We had considered that before composing this letter. At the time of our research your "Current Circulation" (as posted at the bottom of every page) read: 273. When we accessed the records of your web-counter we found that these 273 "hits" were made by 3 individual IP addresses… and 264 of those hits were from your very own IP address (you’re a sad, silly little man). The remaining 7 hits were shared by 2 other IP addresses. When we contacted the owners of these addresses they both informed us that they were acquaintances of yours. They both then stated that the only time your website had ever sullied (their words, not ours – although we would’ve picked the same words) their computer screens was when you unexpectedly dropped by to visit and wanted to show them something on your site. One of these acquaintances (they were both very clear not to use the term "friend") then stated that he was "bored to tears" with what you read to him and, although generally a very happy young man, actually considered a "blender suicide" to “make the pain go away.” The other acquaintance informed us that, after viewing your website, she had you "forcibly removed" from her apartment.

We aren’t telling you these things to make you feel bad. We’re telling you these to make you feel REALLY bad. You’re causing others severe discomfort with how boring you are and how cool you’re not. And you’re also breaking the law. So please – no, fuck "please" – here it is flat out: stop posting the covers on your fart-sucking blog, you attention-hungry loser, or we’ll sue the fucking pants off your sorry ass.

Thank You,

Maynard G. Krebs
Head of Licensing, The Saturday Evening Post

I hope they do sue the fucking pants off my sorry ass. I can't wait to see their faces when they find out that I sold all my pants a long time ago and pissed all the money away on DVDs and flavored lubricants.
Originally Printed 3/4/05
Fire Off A Comment


J.J. Oblivian
Los Angeles, CA
Age: 27

I'm in a gang
called California.

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