This Week's Featured Release:
"War Horse"
[12/25/11]

playing @ a theater near you
Now Playing: Otis Redding's "merry christmas, baby"
dedicated to: merriment

The Kringle Conspiracies

Here's the truth that the Illuminati doesn't want you to know about Christmas:

Christmas was created by the nefarious colored paper cabal in an attempt to boost sales of their products while bankrupting the Catholic middle class.

Rudolph is a puppet of General Electric.

Blitzen was originally "Blitzenovsky" -- and a KGB operative.

Egg nog is made with the tears of impoverished children.

47% of Christmas is Buddhist-owned.

"A Christmas Carol" is exactly what you'd expect from the ultra-left, anti-capitalist propaganda machine.

"A Christmas Story" is exactly what you'd expect from the ultra-right, pro-capitalist, warmongering propaganda machine.

Candy canes promote oral sodomy.

Santa Klaus made a fortune building toys for the Third Reich.

66% of the Wise Men were Skull & Bones.

Frosty the Snowman was based on Joe Kennedy, Sr.

Jesus was a Jew and never celebrated Christmas.

#KringleConspiracy

Printed on 12/25/11
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Fucking Up A Perfectly Good Podcast

I don't know why anyone actually wants this but I've ignored the emails requesting this list long enough (I'm hoping) to ensure that no one actually cares anymore. For those of you that had been looking for a list of the "Scene/Unseen Podcast" episodes Jeromy Oblivian was asked to ruin, here it is:

"Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer"
"Beowulf"
"Indiana Jones And the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"
"Wall-E"*
"Hamlet 2"*
"The Taking of Pelham 123"
"G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra"*
The Farewell Episode*
2006: The Year In Review, Part I
2006: The Year In Review, Part II

*These episodes also feature entertainer extraordinaire Chris MacEwan.

The titles above link to the episodes. Or you can click HERE to look up those episodes and listen to all the worthwhile episodes which Chris & Jimmy didn't ask Jeromy to fuck up.
You're not welcome.

Printed on 12/10/11
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Unanswered Missives From 12/10/11

Jeromy Oblivian
XXXX Caswell Ave.
Los Angeles, CA


Dear Governor Rick Perry,

I was going to leave you alone because I try to think about you as little as possible. I already spend most of my day hating myself and trying to cram hating you in there just sounds exhausting. But my good friend Daniel Lee recently wrote a great response to your "Hard On" ad -- is that what it's called? I'm sure you know the one I'm talking about. If you don't, just use the search engine of your choice to look up "most disliked video on YouTube". Anyway, Dan's response got me all riled up and now I'm sitting here, wishing for Old-Testament-type shit to rain down upon your face. But that's not healthy, right? I'm pretty sure you can't be as bad as the guy you play on TV. So I'm going to try to open up a dialogue and see if we can't work through this. Let me start off by asking you a couple questions regarding your ad:

1. Please forgive me if you've already addressed this, but when was the last time anyone (openly or otherwise) celebrated Christmas in school? I'm pretty sure the last time a Christian was in school on Christmas Day, Constantius Chlorus was Emperor of Rome and Islam was still essentially just a sect of Judaism. Kids aren't "openly celebrating Christmas" in school because the fucking thing is closed, Rick. And the ones that want to celebrate it, they're doing it the way they prefer to: at home & like fucking crazy. Plus, it's on a Sunday this year. If you're the kind of mean S.O.B. that becomes President & then starts pushing for schools to be open on Christmas (even when it's on a Sunday), we're gonna see an armed rebellion started by 3rd graders. Sure, that's gonna make for some great television. But some of those kids are probably going to be gay (even if they don't know it yet). And then you're gonna have Gays serving in the Juvenile Rebel Militia AND the military. Is that what you want?

2. Again, I apologize if you have already addressed this but where in this country are kids being told that they can't pray in school? If a kid wants to tune out the teacher for a few moments (because they're talking about some boring shit like Math or France) and take that time to pray, no one's stopping them. Shit, they can pray at school all fucking day if they want to. We're just not forcing ALL the kids to do it because this isn't Syria.

Eagerly Awaiting Your Reply,
J. Oblivian

P.S. Did you see "Boardwalk Empire" last week? If so, don't tell me what happened. I'll watch it later.


A Few Minutes Later...


Jeromy Oblivian
XXXX Caswell Ave.
Los Angeles, CA


Dear Syria,

I have never attended school in you. So if it turns out that you don't actually force kids to pray in school, I apologize. If this letter doesn't make sense to you, ask Rick Perry about it. He'll explain.

Sincerely,
J. Oblivian

P.S. Please don't blow me up.


And A Quick Follow-Up A Few Hours After That...


Jeromy Oblivian
XXXX Caswell Ave.
Los Angeles, CA


Dear Rick Perry,

I forgot to mention that I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a Catholic. Okay, well, most of the time I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a Catholic. But I am ashamed to say that early this morning I let my anger get the better of me and found myself wishing that events depicted in the Old Testament were true.

Mea Culpaly,
J. Oblivian

Printed on 12/10/11
Comments have been disabled because of the Russians.



101 N (On The Way To Solvang & 7 Days To My Parents' Anniversary)

My adulthood whaps me across my shoulders as I'm driving northwest to tonight's destination: a hotel 125.7 miles from my own bed, where there will be friends who are also traveling -- because tomorrow Jeff (&) Melanie are getting married. And it's here, while smoking a cigarette (&) listening to a song from a CD purchased back in high school (&) passing through a never-before-paid-attention-to Casa Conjeo (or maybe it's becoming Camarillo), that it registers, resounds somewhere inside that

"This is something adults do."

And then as that warmhearted (&) pleasant punch traces the seatbelt and dissipates, filtering into my stomach (&) while driving alone on the 101 North almost exactly 6 years from Channi (&) Jav's wedding, with the sun setting before me, I recognize that the car is moving forward
(&) I
am
falling
behind.

Originally written on 10/2/10
Printed on 10/16/10
Comments have been disabled because of the Russians.



Hello There... Again.

It's been a while. So much time has passed that most of what is on this site, I find embarrassing. Here's something else I'm embarrassed about: you can read my lies & bullshit via Twitter. I won't show up on the Name Search so use the link if you're interested.

Printed on 6/17/09
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Putting Your Camel-Toe In Your Mouth

I can barely read. I also have a hard time listening or paying attention to things women say. That's primarily because I don't really give a shit. For those reasons, I have yet to read, hear or research the entirety of the interview in which Geraldine Ferraro stated that "If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is."
So I'm curious to know if, in that same interview, Ferraro happened to mention that if Hillary Clinton was not married to Bill Clinton, she would not be in her current position; and if she was a power-hungry ogress (of any other marital association) she would not be in her current position. She happens to be very lucky to be one of the many women into whom Bill Clinton has put his dick and the only one to have received a gold band in the deal. I'm guessing she didn't say anything like that because even with all that aforementioned luck, Hillary would probably still be in her current position: losing in the three insignificant areas of total votes, pledged delegates and state contests. If anyone happens to read the whole interview, let me know if there's any mention of Hillary's luck.

Printed on 3/12/08
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Write It Down Somewhere

-----------------

Printed on 3/6/08
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The Politics of Aesthetics & Doobies!

Reconciling what I'd seen of Pineapple Express with the tag "directed by David Gordon Green" was very difficult for a while. But with the release of the movie's trailer, I've relaxed with the knowledge that this train is humming along the right rails... for now. I know the pitfalls of sizing up a movie by its trailer (go fuck yourself, Lady In the Water). But one element of the theatrical advertising for Pineapple Express gives me hope: the use of M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes". Perhaps the song was chosen by Sony/Columbia's marketing department because of the lyrics "I fly like paper, get high like planes" or "stick and stones and weed and bongs". But for right now, I'm happy to believe that it was chosen for it's context, not it's content. "Paper Planes"'s attack on American xenophobia sits comfortably inside M.I.A.'s postmodern aesthetic*: using a popular form to criticize the popular culture. Unfortunately this technique often leads to the message being completely lost on those swimming in said culture. So while I'm hoping Green & company's efforts are as noble as Ms. Arulpragasam's, I'm not as hopeful that the target audience will get it. Take, for example, this post from "larry" on Slashfilm.Com -->

larry Says:

February 12th, 2008 at 4:21 pm

i canít wait.
by canít wait, i mean, i canít wait to smoke before going to see this, because i just donít see it translating well otherwise.
i love franco and rogan, though, so iíll be looking forward to it.
[sic] x 3 or 4

Why can't "larry" witness a murder and find himself on the business end of an angry drug lord? Because life isn't fair, dear reader, that's why.

*first displayed in her graphic work and later in her music.

Printed on 2/20/08
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The 2007 List*

1. There Will Be Blood
2. The Assassination of Jesse James
3. Zoo
4. Election & Triad Election
5. Sunshine
6. The Host
7. The Wind That Shakes The Barley
8. Day Night Day Night
9. Brand Upon The Brain! (live)
10. Red Road
11. We Own The Night
12. Michael Clayton
13. I'm Not There

Honorable Mentions:
The Lives of Others ; The Astronaut Farmer ; Zodiac ; The Page Turner ; Bug ; Angel-A ; Rescue Dawn and the Hollywood 4: Live Free or Die Hard ; I Am Legend ; The Kingdom & The Bourne Ultimatum.

The "Balls" Awards For Exceptional Exercise of Personal Vision:
Brand Upon The Brain! & Youth Without Youth

By Far The Year's Best Sequel:
Fay Grim

Well Worth The 30 Year Wait:
Killer of Sheep

So Nice, In A Time Defined By Gray Areas, To Have A Movie Where The Good Guys Are Good Guys & The Bad Guys Are Bad Guys:
300

95 % Pretty Good, 5% Pretty Poopy:
In The Valley of Elah

Most Overrated:
Eastern Promises

Most Fun:
Hot Fuzz

Most Likely Not To Get The Oscar They Deserve:
Casey Affleck in The Assassination of Jesse James & Hal Holbrook in Into The Wild

Notable DVD Releases:
13 (Tzameti) ; The Films of Alejandro Jodorowsky ; Hamlet (Branagh) ; Heavy Petting & Criterion's editions of Ace In The Hole ; Breathless ; Days of Heaven & Night On Earth.


*The quality of this list is limited by the quality of Mr. Oblivian's opinion. The breadth of this list is limited by the number of trips Mr. Oblivian took to the movie theater this year**.

**For example, Mr. Oblivian regrets having not yet seen Atonement ; Juno ; Away From Her ; The Diving Bell & The Butterfly ; The Savages ; Before The Devil Knows You're Dead ; Gone Baby Gone ; Persepolis ; Ratatouille ; Ils (Them) ; The Counterfeiters & Once

Printed on 2/18/08
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I'm Thankful For...

... Chris & Jimmy letting me come in and screw up yet another perfectly good podcast. This one has a little treat for those who stay until the end of the credits. If you listen to the very, very end of the show (after the usual thank-yous and shout-outs), you'll hear evidence of how intoxicated Jimmy and I were near the end of the show.

You can get it through the iTunes Podcast directory or just follow the the link below and click on the "Beowulf" episode:

Printed on 11/26/07
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The Pencil Sharpener Preys Upon The Pencil

Kelsey Peterson is just the newest deviant to have her sexual appetite hit the headlines. She's a 25 year-old sixth-grade teacher and she's (allegedly) been shimmying down the pubescent pole of a 13 year-old student. They're now on the run (kidnapping?) and possibly heading into that land-of-lewd-acts below the border, Mexico.

Ms. Peterson has now joined the ranks of female educators who moonlight (without pay) as child molesters. I know public school teachers get paid a pittance, but it seems that their own education (in addition to their income) has been found wanting. Shouldn't these women know that taking a second job as a sexual predator is not only illegal but financially irresponsible as well? They're expending their blood, sweat and tears (Eros willing) as a part-time cock-sock and they're not even supplementing their income. Although, I suppose when confronted with a list of possible second jobs that includes "nightwatchman", "fry cook", "all-night dry cleaner" and "gas station attendant" -- "boy-fucker" (even if it earns $0/3 min.) looks pretty appealing.

But maybe it's not about making more money. Maybe there's a more reasonable explanation. Honestly, I'd hate to think that our public education system is in such a shambles that we're entrusting our children's academic future to a group of people who don't understand that non-paying jobs don't bring in money. They've got to be smarter than that. Perhaps what's really at the heart of this issue is that Teaching (like the Priesthood) is a magnet for and/or creates child-rapists. That's gotta be it. Kelsey Peterson, Mary Kay Letourneau, Karen Louise Ellis, Debra Lafave, Pamela Rogers Turner (rowrrr!), Sarah Jayne Vercoe, Pamela Smart, Claire Lyte (she fucked a girl), Christina Butler, Rachel Holt and Alison Mosbeck - they're not stupid, they're degenerates. And I, for one, blame Public Education. Look at what working as an educator in the public sphere has done to these women. For shame, Public Education... for shame. You have taken decent white-women (I always hyphenate that term), a few of whom had loving families and husbands, and turned them into sick twists. How dare you take these normal women with their healthy sexual desires and mangle them into lusty, depraved kiddie-diddlers. There's clearly something wrong with Public Education (or perhaps the people who are drawn to it) and I say we burn it to the ground. I've got matches.

Printed on 11/2/07
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The Dandy Dwarves & SCAD

Ben Collins, writer/director & "Scene/Unseen" fan, recently turned me on to this website. All in all, it's pretty entertaining with a sprinkling of decently clever. I enjoyed it. If you don't, may I make a suggestion? Try sucking farts out of dead chickens. That might be more to your liking.

Oh, and here's a badass teaser for a short Ben made while still in college:

Printed on 7/12/07
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I Was Asked To Fuck Up A Podcast! Again!

In a move that has been called both "downright, goddam foolish" and "truly, truly inspired... that is if, you know, you're looking to end a career", Chris, of "Chris & Jimmy" fame and "Scene/Unseen Movie Reviews" fame and "Hey, who's that cute little number over there? Chris? I'm gonna go talk to him and see if he likes sex" fame, has decided to invite jeromyOBLIVIAN, of "Hey, get the fuck off my lawn and put your goddam pants on, ugly!" fame, to co-host an episode of his internationally popular podcast.* In the temporary absence of his regular co-host, Jimmy, Chris has foregone all the reasonable, well-advised avenues of place-filling and has instead opted to fuck up his own podcast as quickly as possible. When asked for comment, Chris stated, wild-eyed and seemingly bewilidered, "I think I-... Huh. I've got this weird bump here over my eye. I think I banged my head on something hard and/or sharp a few weeks ago. Who did I ask to co-host?" Upon being informed that he had requested the assistance of Mr. Oblivian, he closed his eyes, placed his left hand on his forehead and quietly, through clenched teeth, said "I have to call my lawyer." Mr. Oblivian's impression of the brief partnership was decidedly more upbeat. "I got to talk into a microphone," said jeromyOBLIVIAN while taking a break from sleeping behind his local Green Burrito. "We ate Pringles."

You can get it through the iTunes Podcast directory or just follow the the link below:



*I'm gonna use lotsa commas in this post!

Printed on 6/23/07
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Oscar Season Starts A Little Early This Year

With the releases of "The Wind That Shakes The Barley" and "David Hasselhoff drunk (full version)", the Oscar race is officially under way.

Ken Loach's movie is good.

Hasselhoff's is a revelation.

---"David Hasselhoff drunk (full version)" is a searing look into the life of Lt. Mitch Buchannon, years after his exploits as California's top lifeguard have ended. As polluters and Johnny Depp's pirates rendered the oceans too terrifying for most Americans, Smiling Mitchy B. found himself out of a job. So he packed up his shit and chased a new job in faraway Las Vegas: full-time boozehound.

---By the time we catch up with him, gone are his tanned muscles and basic verbal skills. Alcohol has ravaged his dexterity and wrecked his parenting abilities. We hear is son Hobie (Jeremy Jackson in an eerily convincing role as a teenage girl) off-camera, pleading with him to stop drinking. The victim of a drifting father and the recipient of a new sex-change/age-reduction surgery, Hobie vainly tries to inspire Mitch by insisting his show "Baywatch" is still shooting (it isn't Mitchy, it isn't) but warning him that if he doesn't stop drinking he'll "get fired from the show." This turns Mitch's heart for a moment. He promises to stop drinking (sort of) & for a few brief moments it seems as if he might actually pick himself up off the floor. But then Hobie asks a devastating question which leads to the most brutally honest, heart-wrenching moment of the movie. Hobie presses Mitch to confront his addiction and demands an explanation for the years lost to alcoholism. Mitch's remorse turns to anger as he essentially tells Hobie that it's his sondaughter's fault. It's revealed that Hobie has decided that on certain days of the week, school is more important than hisher father. In Mitch's eyes, Hobie has turned hisher back on him. Why did Mitch leave beautiful Southern California for arid Las Vegas? Why would he shift from heroic lifeguard to embarrassing boozer? Because he's lost his family. A man left to walk this life alone will turn to the only surefire cure for loneliness: distilled spirits.

---From "The Lost Weekend" to "Days of Wine & Roses" to "Leaving Las Vegas" and now to "David Hasselhoff drunk (full version)". "David Hasselhoff drunk (full version)" sets a new bar (pun intended) for portrayals of addiction and Hasselhoff, with his Oscar-caliber performance, firmly establishes his place next to Ray Milland, Jack Lemmon and Nicolas Cage as one of the greatest American actors of all time. The humanity, the frankness and the subtlety in his interpretation of a man at the end of his rope is staggering. He doesn't go for the laughing, stumbling, wild man theatrics usually associated with "playing" an alcoholic. Instead, you get the all-too-real feeling that he's "being" an alcoholic. Hasselhoff has the courage to restrain his performance to one room while utilizing only a strict economy of gestures and speech patterns. He shirks "acting" & "playing" to arrive at a way of just "being". All of this is, of course (though not obviously), assisted by the capable hands of the movie's director and his or her remarkable use of Dogme-style moviemaking. Unfortunately, due to the filmmakers' strict adherence to the Dogme95 rules in the production of this masterpiece, the helmer has gone uncredited. Had they been credited, their name would surely join Hasselhoff's in my nightly prayers of thanks.

"Thank you, God, for David Hasselhoff and the director of 'David Hasselhoff drunk (full version)'."

This column was sponsored by Wendy's.

Printed on 5/21/07
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.


J.J. Oblivian
Los Angeles, CA


I'm in a gang
called California.









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