10 Things You Don't Know About Men

[based on Esquire's monthly feature "10 Things You Don't Know About Women"]

1. Our inability to commit has nothing to do with our mothers, an inherent male fear, or a childish inability to commit to women in general.
It has everything to do with our lack of desire to commit to YOU.

2. When we’re being 100% honest: the words from your lips are more important than the size of you tits. Impressive racks are always in Playboy, impressive women rarely are. Just don’t tell our friends we said that.

3. Keeping that in mind, a great ass might be more important than both of them (but being genuinely funny beats ‘em all).

4. “Field of Dreams” truly is our “Steel Magnolias”, “Heat” truly is our “The Hours”, “Fight Club” (the novel, at least) truly is our “Sex & The City”.

5. We kinda wanna have sex with Christian Bale too… but we’d much rather punch Julia Roberts in her big stupid mouth.

6. For every time you’ve secretly wished we were “bigger”, we’ve secretly wished you hadn’t “accidentally” used your teeth (oh the irony).

7. Alcohol makes us smarter and wittier. The misunderstanding comes from the fact that sometimes we have so much to drink and have therefore become so smart and witty that we seem stupid and dull-witted. It’s kind of like when you’re in a race and you’re so far ahead in first that you’re about to lap the person in last place and it kinda looks like you’re doing worse than the slowest person on the track when in reality you’ve just had so many whiskey & sodas that- oh crap… hold on, I just spilled my cocktail…

8. When you’re talking to other people at parties we secretly watch you from across the room and realize how lucky we are… or hope & pray & plan for the downfall of your current boyfriend.

9. The slut / stud double standard is actually a double standard in your favor. We know you’re better than us & are disappointed when you stoop to our level.

10. We want equality of the sexes more than you do… partially because we’re tired of hearing you complain about it but mainly because we’re not all bad.

Originally Printed 3/21/05
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J.J. Oblivian
Los Angeles, CA
Age: 27

I'm in a gang
called California.

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