Things I Learned At The 2006 Los Angeles Auto Show (and during the breakfast that preceded it)

1. Chris Mac does not want to go to the 2006 Los Angeles Auto Show.

2. There’s this one really hot waitress at The Belmont on La Cienega.

3. Mexicans like going to the 2006 Los Angeles Auto Show.

4. Parking is ass-pensive (like, up to $30 ass-pensive).

5. Javi has driven every car at the 2006 Los Angeles Auto Show.
They were all “whatever”, except for the Ferrari which was “alright”.

6. The girl at the Bugatti exhibit is physically sickened by you winking at her.

7. Mark likes to spit on his finger and rub it into every car he doesn’t like. He really didn’t like the “Paul McCartney Signature” hybrid SUV from Lexus... and it now has mononucleosis.

8. The best part of the 2006 Los Angeles Auto Show is watching a 62-pound kid expel at least 10 pounds of food against the wall of the West Hall*. Earlier in the day, that kid ate something with a lot of spinach and bread in it.

9. Thom has a horrifically funny story involving a cat, the engine compartment of a Grand Wagoneer and a trip to the carwash.

10. Lost children will be taken to Room 305 in South Hall, Room 102 in West Hall.

11. The girl at the Lamborghini exhibit does not like having her butt grabbed. Even if you say “ha-cha-cha” while doing it.
She is either a prude or some kind of car-selling nun.

12. Concept cars like being on rotating platforms.

13. Any concept car worth looking at has its dimensions taken into careful consideration when designing its rotating platform so as to ensure that your view of the car can be almost completely obscured by the heads of similarly-interested Mexicans and tall children. And if normal-sized adults got there before you: forget it, you ain’t seeing it.

14. Javi likes climbing around in the trunk of the 2006 Saab 93 SportCombi like he's some sort of man-sized kitten. He believes that his ability to do so qualifies it as a good car.

15. The question/concept behind most of the concept cars was: “So you’re on the run, right? Your own boss and best friend are after you. You’re trying to find your minority report. What would you hop into?”

16. The girl at the Chevy exhibit is too busy idly standing at a counter to take the time to listen to your really funny joke… or to laugh when you tell it to her anyway.

17. The guy at the Morgan exhibit does not like to hear that you “won’t buy [his] fucking piece of shit car unless [you] can get it in burnt mustard with mauve interior.” He will threaten to “have you removed if you say it one more goddamned time.”

18. Pontiac is still fucking up the GTO by taking a great engine and throwing it into the least stylish, most sucktastic suck-body that ever sucked on the suckside of Sucktown.

19. The girls at the Pontiac exhibit know that the GTO is “the black one in front.” They do not, however, know that it sucks. Nor do they know where Sucktown is… even when they’re pointing at it or standing right next to it.

20. You cannot buy the lost children in Room 305 of the South Hall, nor the ones in Room 102 of the West Hall even though they are standing behind large, display-like, plate-glass windows.

21. Staying up for 26 hours and then going to the 2006 Los Angeles Auto Show filled with caffeine and omelettes is the way to do it. It’s called “going Pro-style”… but you kinda gotta point and do the ‘hang loose’ thing at the same time with both hands when you say “Pro-style”, like this… no… no, not like that, like-… like this… like-… would you just let me show you?… I just-… fine… FINE! Fuck it. Do it however you want… what’s over here?

22. The girl at the Spyker exhibit won’t give you the time of the day.

23. The girl at the Kia exhibit will, but who wants it from her?

*See, it's times like this that justify smoking. If you didn't smoke cigarettes, where were you when that happened? You were inside NOT watching a kid lose 1/6 his body weight in less than 3 seconds.
Originally Printed on 1/14/06
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J.J. Oblivian
Los Angeles, CA

I'm in a gang
called California.

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