Fan Correspondence #2

The message found below was sent to me in response to this post. I initially intended my retort to consist of cruel statements peppered with belittling remarks. But then I remembered it’s the Holiday Season. It’s a time for giving; a time for caring; a time to embrace all humanity in one giant hug and say “Hey, let’s not fight. We’re all in this together.” But then I decided: fuck it, I haven’t had a good Christmas in years.
So I’ve made a compromise with myself. I’ll respond to the message with my “gloves on” approach. Please don’t think less of me for it.

First, the message:



And now, my response:

....To thedirector,

Allow me to begin by saying that I'm writing this response with the assumption that the author of the above e-mail is the same director I referred to in "I May Be A Failure, But At Least I Don’t Suck". You really have very little reason to feel honored (as I will address below) however I am greatly honored that you've found my writing complex enough to allow for the many misinterpretations you've made. So while we're in the mode of "getting [the] facts straight", allow me to de-kink a few:

1. The title of the post was "I May Be A Failure, But At Least I Don’t Suck", not "I Maybe A Failure". I’m sure this was simply a typographical error, seeing as you've written a blockbuster movie and therefore undoubtedly know the grammatical difference between "maybe" and "may be"… but then again, this wouldn't be the first time that I've been wrong about something.

2. My name is not Turbo. But you can call me Mr. Turbo if it makes you feel better.

3. I wasn't really talking about you. I was talking about her and merely mentioned you in the process.

4. I don't wear tighty whites (although I believe the more common term is "tighty whiteys" or perhaps "tighty whities"). However, to my knowledge, the underwear I do wear has never previously been in a bunch while on my person (what they do without me is their own business and I respect their privacy).

5. I never said that she saw your movie. In fact, come to think of it, I don't actually know anyone that has seen your movie. I also never said that you were paying for her dinners. So I'm unsure as to why you felt the need to mention both of these.

6. I'm not sure what "replused" means or why, in that same statement, you refer to the girl in question as your money. Very peculiar. I'm going to assume that you meant to say "If she is as repulsed by you as she is by my money, you and I should get along just fine!" and respond to that instead. I never actually addressed your money and find it odd that you have fixated on this non-existent detail. I did, however, talk about the money that your movie pulled in at the box office; which, I suppose, is tangentially tied to you. In any case, I highly doubt that she is repulsed by the money that you may or may not have. Perhaps she knows that your money isn't going to last and is simply trying to help you save it? But then again, as I mentioned before, this wouldn’t be the first time that I've been wrong about something. Either way, I'm getting the feeling that nothing on this planet, not even your (or your movie's) money, repulses her as much as I do. Therefore, I highly doubt that you and I would get along at all.

..........Have Some Holidays,
.............J.J. Oblivian a.k.a. Mr. Turbo.

Originally Printed on 12/21/05
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J.J. Oblivian Los Angeles, CA I'm in a gang called California.

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