$2 Dodger Baseball
"The Pavilion seats at Dodger Stadium: where no one likes each other but they all love their Los Angeles Dodgers."
--Timothy H. Anderson
I learned many things as I sat in the Right Field Pavilion seats at Tuesday's game between the Dodgers and the Washington Nationals. Here are some of the most significant:
1. The Dodgers are the only team in Major League Baseball that does not "sucks".
2. Should any memorabilia from another team (e.g. jerseys, hats, T-shirts) make its way into the Pavilion seats, the person wearing or carrying said memorabilia needs to be reminded of the Dodgers' #1 status by as many people as possible (preferably in the form of a chant).
3. The people who sit in the Pavilion seats are not just Dodger fans, they are also big fans of felonies.
4. The people in the Right Field Pavilion seats do not like the people in the Left Field Pavilion seats. And the people in the Left Field Pavilion seats… they're not too fond of those in the Right Field Pavilion seats.
5. Mexicans are not a minority in the Pavilion seats at Dodger Stadium,
registered Republicans are.
6. Should a player who is NOT on the Los Angeles Dodgers ever do their job (e.g. catch the ball, throw a strike, get a hit) they deserve to be booed.
7. Jose Guillen (RF, Washington) "sucks" and is a "chump" and his mother is of questionable moral character.
8. Dodger fans like to yell "Hee-Seop Choi!" (1B, Los Angeles).
9. Milton Bradley (CF, Los Angeles) does not like it when you yell "Hit somebody!" or "Get in a fight!" at him, but Alex finds it funny every time you do it.
10. I like yelling things at Milton Bradley.
11. The Noise-O-Meter at Dodger Stadium does not seem to be calibrated correctly.
12. Dodger Dogs are just regular Farmer John hot dogs. Super Dodger Dogs are just "all beef" Farmer John hot dogs and are "The New Tradition".
13. The peanuts sold at Dodger Stadium are really good.
14. Coolio goes to Dodger games.
15. Dodger Security has "zero tolerance" for the use of beach balls in the Pavilion seats… "ZERO".
16. Despite the Dodger Security's stance on the issue, beach balls seem to be an essential part of viewing and enjoying baseball from the Pavilion seats.
17. Jumping down from the Pavilion seats and running around the outfield of Dodger Stadium, while making you a hero to your fellow Pavilion patrons, will sour your relationship with Dodger Security and get you arrested. Jukeing Dodger Security guards while running around in the outfield will not win you bonus points with Dodger Security guards. It will instead cause Dodger Security guards to do everything with more vigor: tackle you, hold you down, yell at you.
18. It takes roughly 10 Dodger Security guards to tackle and remove 2 twelve year-olds running around the outfield of Dodger Stadium.
19. Should #17 occur there is a protocol to which those sitting in the Pavilion seats must adhere. That protocol is as follows:
a) Upon the tackling of your new heroes you must immediately boo and shout obscenities to show your displeasure.
b) As your booing and shouting reaches its peak you must begin throwing bottles, paper bags, cups, half-eaten hot dogs, popcorn, and/or cotton candy onto the field.
c) Any remaining beach balls must immediately be inflated and batted around the Pavilion seating area.
d) This behavior (a, b and c) must continue for no less than 2 minutes.
e) You must NOT, under any circumstances, go downstairs and have a cigarette with Tim and Mike until things "cool down". Things will not cool down. Instead, this will happen: a fight will breakout in the Pavilion seats above you; each of the offending parties will be dragged downstairs and tackled at your feet; the offending parties will then fight with Dodger Security until both of the offending parties are being firmly held down by 4 or 5 Dodger Security guards; people, A LOT of people, will shout antagonistic, instigating remarks (e.g. "police brutality"; "what the fuck, man? what the fuck?"; "oh this is bullshit"; "fuck 'em up man, yeah, yeah"; "don't let 'em do that to you"); you will not enjoy your cigarette.
20. Babies cry when their fathers are arrested underneath the Pavilion seats.
21. When the Los Angeles Dodgers win (as they did on Tuesday, 4-2): Randy Newman "loves" L.A.; when they lose: he warmly appreciates the city's effort.
22. While I like yelling things at Milton Bradley, I find it hard to root for the Dodgers.
Originally Printed on 5/4/05
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