The Master Plan Is Working!
Given recent successes in The Master Plan,
I have been authorized to admit the following.
I, J.J. Oblivian, am a Misogynist Operative and for years have been an active member of the Misogynist Operatives Collective Klan (MOCK). I start every day by looking in the mirror and reciting the credo stamped inside the cover of every copy of the Misogynist Operative’s Manifesto (MOM):
"A true misogynist does not effectively hate women unless he effectively makes them hate what it is to be a woman."
(yes, it's a mouthful but it's also a thought-full)
The beginnings of our movement stretch back to almost 150 years ago when men decided to stop wearing make-up and getting our hair "did". The idea being: women either accept us in our natural state of manhood or let them be damned! However, we could not, under any circumstances, allow them to believe that the same could be true for them. So we set forth on making women believe that "a natural woman is not a natty woman"; that no one, not even other women, could possibly find them attractive in their natural state. And to this day women continue to powder their faces, rouge their cheeks, color their lips, do their nails, darken their lashes, and perm, straighten or dye their hair. Like suckers they bought the whole thing: hook, line and facial.
This first goal was achieved with such quick ease that we expected women would catch on at any given moment. However, the decades rolled on with no challenge to our "a natural woman is not a natty woman" myth. Then came the 1960s, a rebel group sprung up and the attacks started. We needed a counter-attack, a good one... dare I say a great one? Well, a great one was devised. The attack would be levelled against the very nature of womanhood itself, the goal: to nullify womanhood and truly make "Man" the measure of all things. We broadcast the belief (with the help of a few well-placed Moles in the Feminist Movement) that Male Success was the only true definition of success. Women should not try and succeed as women, they should try and succeed as Men. The only way to determine if a woman was successful was to measure how closely she could mimic the behavior of a Man. They needed to succeed in business. They needed to become a liar, a cheat, a greedy money-whore, they needed to be all the things that made us bad; only then could they be deemed a success. But corruption of their professional aspirations would not be enough, we needed to attack their identity in the social/personal arena as well. We sent out the idea that our irresponsible sexual jackassery (e.g. multiple partners, sex outside committed relationships) was the only way they could "reclaim" their bodies and thus, the only way to define themselves as adult women. Can you believe it! We have actually gotten them to believe that our foolish irresponsibility = maturity! They laid down their hard-earned currency of adulthood and bought the whole she-bang (O! Mine Wicked Pun!).
The 1980s were a huge set-back.
Men went back to wearing make-up and earrings. Men began getting facials and shaving body hair. It was a near disaster. But MOCK came back in the 90s and we came back strong. We decided that we had to get girls to believe that in order to be attractive they had to remove any sign of their adult sexuality. We re-introduced the idea of shaving pubic hair. And again, like good little puppets, when we pulled the strings they danced to the tune we set for them. Afraid that women might again catch on to our image-manipulation scheme, we sent out a few MOCK members in a similarly shaved state (O! Mine Wicked Pun Deuce!). At our meetings we lovingly gibe those in our ranks who have also shaved their pubic hair. And they take the comments with a smile, for they know that inside every teasing remark is a genuine thank-you for "biting the bathing-suit-area bullet".
Once pubic hair was out of the way we had to remove the other markers of adult female sexuality: breasts, butts, adult musculature. One need only look to
Reese Witherspoon (
Selma Blair (
) & finally Lindsay Lohan (
for proof of the success of this latest mission.
So we find ourselves in the beginning of the 21st Century having effectively gotten women to 1.) develop a distaste for their natural appearance; 2.) adopt our foolish, misguided behavior in the name of "adulthood"; and 3.) shave & shed all signs of their fully developed sexuality.
MOCK is succeeding.
The fight has not ended.
However, I detect in the air a whiff of the end coming.
And it doesn’t smell like perfume, it smells like baseball.
I remain, as always, smirkingly & notoriously yours,
Originally Printed on 5/19/05
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