I know you don't want to talk to me right now. But this is really important. I need, need, need, need to tell you this but you won't return my calls, my IM chat invitations or my shoutings through your window at work. This is my last, ditch effort.
I've changed my mind about the abortion.
I was really confused before and didn't completely understand the process or what it meant (I mean, hey, remember what the sex was like? Imagine how confusing I found the intricacies of abortion.). I found out that life may not begin at conception but it definitely ENDS at abortion. Now normally I'm alright with killing and murder, in fact, I'm more than alright with it; in some cases I damn near root for it. But I've never killed one of my family members before and I gotta tell ya, even thought it's only kind of a half-killing: it feels kinda weird. I'm not talking about the "I'm about to bungee jump off this bridge and I feel kinda weird" type of weird. I'm talking about the kind of weird that runs through your stomach once it fully registers that you just fucked some dude in his colostomy-bag hole simply because this conversation took place:
FRIEND: "Hey, dude, I dare you to fuck that guy in that hole."
ME: "Eh, I don't really feel like it."
F: "C'mon, it'll be cool."
M: "He looks dead or dying."
F: "Bah, he's alright. HEY DUDE, YOU ALRIGHT???"
[Dude vomits and starts crying.]
F: "See he's fine, dead don't vomit."
M: "I guess."
F: "So c'mon, man. Do it."
M: "I don't really feel like it."
F: "You chicken?"
M: "Me, I-... did you just-... seriously, fucking seriously... did you just call me 'chicken'? Me? Chicken? C'mon."
F: "I don't see you fucking, so you must be chicken."
M: "This isn't gonna work. This, you calling me 'chicken', get out of here with that shit. Do I look like Marty McFly to you?"
F: "No, but-"
M: "Do I look like Marty Mc- Do you see signs of Parkinson's here?"
F: "Nah, but-"
M: "Do I look like Marty McFly?"
F: "No, but-"
M: "Then why you trying to run a game on me like I'm Marty McFly?"
F: "I just-"
M: "You're just fucking nothing, that's what you're 'just'."
F: "No, you're fucking nothing, including that dude's fucked up hole."
M: "Well played."
F: "So do it."
M: "I don't wanna. Why is this so hard for you to fucking understand? I... don't... feel... like... it."
F: "What's it gonna hurt?"
M: "It's not that it's gonna hurt, it's-... well, it might hurt. I mean, not me but- how big is that thing, that hole, how big is that? HEY MAN, HOW BIG IS YOUR HOLE WITH THE TUBE IN IT?"
[more vomiting from Dude]
M: "What did he say?"
F: "I don't know, there was lots of beets and chili coming out and... is that a key? HEY DUDE, DID YOU JUST THROW UP A KEY?"
M: "SIR, HOW BIG IS THAT HOLE?"
[Dude straight-up fuckin' loses a tooth. It just falls out, right there.]
M: "Oh man, this guy's in bad shape."
F: "Just fuck it."
F: "I'll pay for Wienerschnitzel."
And that's why you do it. You fuck a dude in his colostomy-bag hole because your friend will pay for Wienerschnitzel. I mean, I know it's just sex, it's no big thing, but still... I felt weird once I thought about what I'd done.
And the full realization of my actions has caused me to feel weird again.
So I changed my mind about the abortion. I don't think you should've had it anymore and I'm sorry my mechanic and I talked you into it. So just get back to the doctor and have it reversed. Don't worry about how we're gonna pay for it; I'll figure all that out. Just go get un-abortionized or de-abortionized or whatever the fuck it's called before it's too late & LET'S KEEP THAT ALMOST-BABY!
Originally Printed on 3/10/06
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