It's My Page And I'll Waste If I Want To

There haven't been many posts recently. I've been busy alternately finishing a script that no one likes and coaching varsity baseball's equivalent to the Bad News Bears (quick side-story: In the van, on the way to the practice field the other day, one of the kids noticed an In-N-Out Burger. He alerted the others and they were all genuinely awed by the fact that this In-N-Out Burger "had an inside"... they'd never before seen an In-N-Out Burger where you could walk in and order. They then spent 3 minutes talking about how "fucking awesome" that In-N-Out Burger must be - the discussion was cut short when one of our outfielders began doing his impression of The Burger King). However, I don't want the month of February to pass without adding at least one column. The problem is the column I want to add isn't finished yet and I doubt I'll finish it in the next 24 hours. So, instead, you get a survey from MySpace. Enjoy or go fuck yourself, take your pick.

High School quiz
Your senior year in High School is supposed to be the best year of your life. Let's see how much you remember . . .

Who was your best friend(s)?

Who did you have a crush on?
Will. Mainly Will's butt.

What sports did you play??
I went All State in varsity Willball and was the starting Offensive Relapsitory on the Willball Deluxe team.

What kind of car did you drive???
Willmobile 3.8T

It's Friday night, where you at??
O! Thine fucking grammar. Anyway, umm... let's see, I'm in Will's mouth. But by very early Saturday morning my fingers'll be doing some invasive exploratory procedures elsewhere.

Were you a party animal???
Like a fuckin' sloth, baby! Go ahead, ask Will.

Were you in the "In Crowd"???
Fuck that movie. Will and I liked "Gossip". Didn't we, Will?

Ever skip school???
No, but I once skipped to my Lou... and by Lou, I mean Will.

Ever smoke???
Only Will's cock-a-doodle-oh-no-he-didn't! Yes, he did.

Were you a nerd?
Yes, watermelon & grape mix. I was only manufactured for one very disappointing Halloween.

Did you get suspened/expelled???
No, but I expelled a bunch of sloppy jizzbombs on Will's tummy.

Can you sing the Alma Mater???
Yes. Unless you're gonna ask me to do it... in which case: no.

Who was your favorite teacher???
Oh my. Will, he taught me so much... so much about life, love, poetry, kittens, kitty litter, the Teapot-Dome scandal, the importance of vulcanized rubber, tenderness, compassion, myself, balancing equations, high heels, anal hygiene do's and don'ts, life... oh wait, did I say life already? Hmm, yeah, he just taught me stuff, lots of stuff, but mainly about things... things and stuff.

Favorite class???
Class of '96, bitches! Yeh-YEH!

What was your schools full name???
(Why is there no apostrophe to signify possession?)
Bellermarine College Prepatory for Young Mens... or something

School mascot???
a blue bell that fuckin' rocked da house, yo! It was very intimidating, only not.

Did you go to Prom???
I once had a dream that I went to the prom.
Afterwards my girlfriend got pregnant even though we hadn't had sex.
Her explanation: "Well, sometimes when two people really love each other..." and then she shrugged.
My response: "Are you fucking kidding me? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME???"
And then we had to move to Rome.
But in real life? No, I didn't go to the prom. Fuck the prom.
I won't even capitalize that shit.
That was a real dream by the way. Usually when I tell someone about a dream I had I'm really just making shit up on the spot, but this time I'm being truthful.

Where did you work???

If you could go back and do it over...
Less girls, more Will. I'd spend ALL my time in, on & around Will.

Originally Printed on 2/28/06
Fire Off A Comment


J.J. Oblivian
Los Angeles, CA

I'm in a gang
called California.

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