Do I Hear A Flurry of Trumpets?

There have been many exaggerated reports of my demise (one of which is resposted below). Many things have transpired in my absence from these pages, (un)fortunately death and giving up are not listed among them - much to the dismay of one of your fellow readers. During my hiatus, my activities have included but not been limited to:
baseball
yelling
smoking cigarettes
drinking distilled spirits
watching my grandmother tip-toe towards death
watching my grandmother recover (for now)
petting Jack
talking to Chris Browne
more baseball
fighting dogs
fighting girls
fighting Illini
experiencing a windfall of money
buying DVDs
buying books
girl problems
girl solutions
more girl problems
more girl solutions
racism
throwing a baseball inside Tom Bergin's
alienating friends
alienating acquaintances
alienating aliens
fighting for truth, justice & the American way
movies
more movies
even more movies
even more baseball
driving
hitting
running
throwing
watching Charlie Rose
watching Tavis Smiley
and the tiniest bit of softball.

Some of these will be covered in my interview with Esquire magazine (an early draft of which will be posted here soon). And now for something that didn't happen, but could have:

Famed Raconteur Feared Bloated
by B.P. "The British Petroleum Kid" McGarry

Dateline: May 26. 2006
Los Angeles, CA
Authorities are determining the remains of an anonymous body found Thursday behind the Wilshire district's Tasty-Freeze N' Tacos. Authorities are unsure of the identity, but it is believed to be the bloated remains of J.J. Oblivian, a former columnist for the Los Angeles Ext.Sub. Press. Foresnic results are pending, and a few skeptics are unsure that this is the elusive Mr. Oblivian.

Early Thursday morning, a resident of the neighborhood, Mr. Fingersnift, while walking his pet Bichon Friese, came upon the corpse. "It was awful, it was big and bloated and smelled like whiskey, sex, and vomit." Unconfirmed reports indicate that someone or something sexually violated the corpse. Mr. Fingersnift commented on the physical condition of the body as "kind of like Flan, or maybe Custard, but with a whole lot of maggots."

Mr. Oblivian has been missing for several weeks and there have been only rumored sightings of him since his last dispatch in March. While his popularity has waned in recent months, due to his lack of current material, he still has a diehard group of loyal fans who anxiously await words from their hero. Mr. Oblivian's disappearance has been the subject of much speculation. While some are convinced that he has joined the "Mothership" and returned to the heavens from which he emanated, others look to more sordid, and possibly lethal causes for his absence. Long time friend, L. Partridge, offered his opinion. "If he's dead, then we should drink in his honor; if he's alive, then we should drink to celebrate his return; and if he shacked up with some 4-legged mammal performing unusual and illegal sex acts, we should drink to celebrate that we only have two legs and aren't his type." At which point, Mr. Partridge vomited the contents of his stomach so as to make more room for alcohol . When pressed for further details, Mr. Partridge could only muster, "The man was a homicide waiting to happen. How the fuck would I know if it is him? Some irate dog show fancier probably beat the shit out of him for violating their animal."

As forensic and toxicolgy results are being processed, the world will wonder: Could this fat, bloated, foul smelling carcass be the remains of Mr. Oblivian? Or is it an elaborate publicity stunt put on by an over-rated, bloated and foul smelling journalistic hack? Either way, something stinks in LA.
Originally Printed on 5/26/06 in the Fremont Times-Picayune
Re-Printed Here on 6/7/06
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J.J. Oblivian Los Angeles, CA I'm in a gang called California.

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