Secular? More Like Suckular!*

* this is an addendum to my non-Christmas article for The Atlantic Monthly, “The Good Samaritan Was A Chump”.

There has been a recent move among Christian organizations to boycott stores that use the all-encompassing term "Happy Holidays" instead of the Christian-only "Merry Christmas" or the far more awkward UK version: "Happy Christmas". John Gibson and Bill O'Reilly, both of the always fair and balanced FoxNews, are acting as the figureheads of this movement (despite Gibson saying he never called for an actual boycott). To these Christian organizations, as well as Mr. Gibson and Mr. O'Reilly: I say "Huzzah!"

I, as a Catholic, was shocked and insulted when I discovered that major retailers were now trying to twist the meaning of Christmas and distance it from it's original purpose: celebrating the birth of Christ. Why would they do such a thing? The idea of commercial enterprises twisting the meaning of Christmas just to appeal to more people and thus using the Christmas season for the sole purpose of making money is preposterous. The only reasonable answer: they must've done it because they hate Christians and are anti-Jesus! A boycott is exactly what's needed. We need to put this economy right in the toilet while reminding people that this is not the season of "Good Will Towards Men" but rather the season of "My Beliefs Are Right, Yours Are Wrong And I Want Every Major Signage And Advertisement In The Month Of December (And November, October & Late-September) To Rub It In Your Heathen Face!" This is almost as upsetting as when Hallmark coined the secular "The Season of Giving" to refer to Christmas; a horrible abridgement of the Christian phrase "The Season of Giving A Slap To The Chops Of All Those Who Aren't Christian." So boycotters carry on and fight the self-centered fight! I'll be goddamed if I'm gonna share anything, much less one day in December, with any of those non-Christian, second-class citizens!

There is, however, a much more frightening secularization taking place right now: the White House's secularizing of the war in Iraq. Shame on you Mr. Bush and Herr Rumsfeld for telling the American people that this is a war for the secular ideals of freedom and democracy! I demand that this war start receiving the credit it deserves as The Great Tenth Crusade (I don't count the Baltic and C. European crusades as real Crusades… notice how I didn't capitalize it when attached to their regions. Take that, German-speaking people!) This is not a war for bringing freedom and democracy to Iraq! This is a war for getting a solid foot-hold in the region so we can go on and kill more Muslims in our quest to re-conquer the Holy Land in the name of Our Lord Jesus Christ!


Originally Printed on 12/18/05
Fire Off A Comment


J.J. Oblivian
Los Angeles, CA

I'm in a gang
called California.

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